Sometimes I just want to fall simply for the sake of falling, there’s something in the pain that brings about a  type of indescribable awakening… If you don’t know what I’m talking about that’s probably a good thing. There’s a feeling, a notch, a kind of glitch within the very depths of my being that renders me incapable of wanting to break some of my habits… Okay “incapable” is definitely, or at least not quite the word I’m looking for… Rather it’s more of reluctance, perhaps even a resistance, than anything else.

I was sifting through some of my memories and there, amidst the mounds of carefully and loosely placed fragments, I found myself lost in one. An ever changing aspect of my life yet simultaneously, a completely stable piece of concept embedded deeply within the depths of my very being. Life always has a funny (and sometimes ironic) way of throwing the past right back at you. I’ve found myself in quite a predicament… yet again. On the one hand I am incapable of registering long lasting emotional bonds (or maybe that’s what I’ve chosen to believe in?) and on the other, when the intellectual bond is established, I wish so much to make that emotional establishment – one that can be everlasting. However, often times the other is either unavailable, or simply they too, are also, incapable… Masochism is a dangerous habit.
Being able to travel around the world has made me understand one thing about myself that I’ve tried very hard to be in denial about – I keep myself busy to the point of insanity so I don’t have to face my loneliness because sometimes it really is quite damaging to a heart that is fearful of recovering, as even my defense mechanism serves my masochist habit… Not comforting…
To understand one’s self is to be able to comprehend the good and the bad, to be able to accept and work toward a better – or at least, for some improvement. But what happens when one aspect is unwilling to budge or let go? What then happens to the whole? What happens to the essence of that being; does it not too, become contaminated over the course of time’s movement? An infectious disease from within that hinders the movement of the whole…
How does one cure the self – assuming of course, that one, the self can be cured; and two, that it would need to be cured… Are these assumptions meant to be made? Can they be made? Or is that initial step already a faulty one? The questions are again, never-ending, yet no peace has been found. I go through days where things are relatively “normal” and days where contemplation seems to get the best of me… Yet, this is also the very essence of me…
Sometimes ignorance is bliss….