I have never felt so apathetic in my life thus far as I have felt in the last 6-12 months. A progressive state of apathy in nearly every aspect of my life and of the various types of societal happenings. Nothing makes sense yet simultaneously everything makes sense. It’s the type of discontentment and agitation that leaves me in a continuous state of being in self-doubt, anxiety and mental isolation. On the one hand I feel that I have the potential to do so much more than what I’m already doing, yet on the other I simply don’t care – or maybe I’m just tired of caring. I can’t even bring myself to focus on things that I usually care about, with the exception of a few people and activities, nothing else seems to matter. Demotivation supplemented by feelings of discontentment with how the world is today makes me feel isolated and disappointed with the urge – no the desire, of wanting to retreat and essentially hibernate in some murky, abysmal, sequestered fissure in the earth.
I often contemplate about the ways in which I could be disengaged with everything, but mostly with myself. I wonder… would it be easier? Would I be happier? How would my life be similar or different from what it is now? The questions roll in like the unforgiving tides of the sea. I hate to admit it, but the continuous contemplation can really be narrowed down to one cliché statement/question: Is ignorance really bliss?
Of course if you know me, you’ll know that the inevitable follow-up questions have also infiltrated the very neurons that sit in this skull of mine. “What does it mean to be ignorant? What does it mean to be blissful? What, how, why, when,… … …” The questions that demand the entire and complete dedication of my very mental, emotional and psychological capacity to not only contemplate but obsess over in hopes that it will bring about some significant epiphany, some stability, some security to this paradoxical entity we call “life”. What arise from this perpetual state of contemplation and questioning are really just more contemplation and questioning… But I wonder, maybe this is the significant epiphany? Maybe this is precisely what life is, a state of contemplation and questioning. A vicious cycle of insanity and sanity bundled into one, fueled by the very existence of its perceived “opposite”, the very core of what is and what isn’t. Maybe the key to all of this is finding and sustaining that balance between the insane and sane, the bad and good, the simple and difficult, the black and white, and so forth.
I’m always left with more questions than answers and on the off chance that I do stumble upon an answer, well, it just leaves me with more questions.